even now,
when i'm alone,
i can see shadows move
at the corner of my eyes,
they move around
the doors and windows,
i can see them.
i look really fast
but there's nothing there.
in the hospital room,
it was dark sometimes,
and i could see shadows
move across the walls,
i could feel my hands touch
my skin like as if
it was the skin of
some other thing.
i started to listen
and in the dark,
against the wall,
i could hear whispering
sounded like my
own voice talking to myself.
i'd take photos
of my feet,
my hands,
my legs,
my eyes,
my face and hair,
my shoes,
my arms...
i'd take photos from above
on the ceiling floating
around up near the walls
and put the photos
in an exhibit,
like a public display
that was better
than anything else
i could do.
and i couldnt stop.
there was always
something more to see.
more to do.
more places to go
at night alone.
i took long walks
out in the garden
wearing nothing but a robe,
and carrying roses
and a camera phone.
i wouldnt even wear shoes and socks.
i would go down the hall
and nobody would even
see me or
hear me breathe.
i went to the hospital
library and took
out books
that were written
about narcissism
and nihilism.
i read them in bed.
i memorized them in the shower.
i recited them to
my nurses
and doctors
and lab techies
when they took blood.
