i fell asleep and had dreams.
my hands and arms grew longer and my fingers were able to reach everything and hold onto the doors.
i went into the shower and the water was so hot.
i took off my clothes and sat on the floor of the shower
and let the water slice my body in different shapes.
i took the camera and snapped photographs of my legs
falling off and clinging to the side of the shower wall.
they looked so sensuous hanging there.
the skin tone is beautiful and dark, like a tan from mexico
in the summer laying on the heavy salt water.
i was still in the hospital in the morning
and the door was unlocked but i didnt care if anyone saw me or not.
i didnt have any clothes, and so
i was on the bed under the white sheets and
i could see my skin through the thin sheets and
i could hear the drummer next door
pounding and beating his drums, playing a solo with the bass player.
it was so good.
my photos came out great and i could eat whatever i wanted,
whenever i wanted, as often as i wanted to eat.
little portions of food, fruit, meat, water, coffee......
whatever i wanted, whatever food
made my body hard and tight and
beautiful to look at it.
i got dizzy.
i got dizzy.
i got hot.
i couldnt stand straight up.
i couldnt walk in a straight line.
my mind was thinking backwards,
like the words were being pronounced backwards.
but it didnt matter to me as long as
i could see the mirror that was hanging on the
wall in front of my bed. it was so quiet at night,
even with the window open. even with the sirens
screaming and the girl next door making noise.
i think she had her boyfriend over there with
her banging her head against the wall, banging
the bed against the wall right by my head where
i put it on the pillow and tried to sleep;
but i didnt try very hard. i tried to sit up
in bed but i'd slip down beneath the blanket.
the sheet was wet because i was sweating.
the heater was too high and i couldnt turn it off.
this wasnt a dream, either.
this was the normal stuff that happened every night and every day.
the only thing i could do to pass the time was
to take photos of myself, photos of my legs,
and my feet,
and my face.
i'd find ways to take pictures using different lighting effects.
i'd go down the hallway,
i'd walk to the bathroom,
climb in the shower night after night,
and find ways to get a new viewpoint.
i'd find ways to let the damp night air climb into the room
and get in bed with me and
massage my legs until i'd drift off to dreamland.
i took so many drugs,
so much medication, so many pills
in little plastic cups.